Waxing Whistical

The Yearning

2009-01-13T20:55:00.002-05:00

Heather Darling,

Who doesnt want a family? I mean sure, no one wants a family quite like the one they had, but we are optimistic that our children will love us more than we our parents and we wont be quite as uncool and overbearing.

The older I get the more I realize how much having children will change my life. How my friends will only be their friends parents. How much of my time will revolve around just keeping they alive. When I spoke to my friend Rebekah and she was overjoyed to be out alone with out her 16 month old. (First child) just to be able to go shopping sans ensemble is a joy, it made be so thankful for my life without children.

But i know what you mean. I feel the call. It not terribly strong yet, but imagine as you say, it gets louder over years.

And as far as were concerned, were outside the norm thus far, I wouldnt give us up as goners yet.

I love you too.

Dear Tina,

2009-01-12T22:03:00.002-05:00

I don't understand why everyone on the shows I watch has to be pregnant?

Dude, seriously?

I tried to explain to Scott that at my age the closest thing I feel to peer pressure is the wanting to have kids. I KNOW that I am not ready to be responsible for another human being in my heart of hearts, but I really feel the pressure of my hormones and just the peer pressure. I DO NOT understand how people fight this pressure! This is where we really have the difference in our ages. I envy you your youth and your time to make this decision.

And I'm old enough to know that this will change our friendship. I don't want that. I want things to always feel the same between us, but this pressure... You don't know. When I am free to think about it, it's all that I think about. In the weirdest, oddest times..... I kind of think that our spring fling is going to be when I coincide... Well.

I'm just ready... And the thing is that is that it's totally the wrong time in my life and maybe it will be the biggest heartbreak in my life... But, Tina -- it's like falling in love. This feeling of knowing that I want a family and knowing that I am capable of being part of creating life. It's just incredible.

But, I think I'm just hormonal and drunk.

Who knows?

love you!

Heather

2009-01-07T20:39:00.001-05:00

Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death.
- Lynn Johnston

What, twice in one week?

2009-01-03T23:18:00.002-05:00

So, im not so sure whats wrong with being bitchy. I mean. it is who we are. We do not try to hide who we are. Sure, maybe we would like to be nicer people. In quiet moments, maybe we strive to be kinder, but when the fit hits the shan, we are who we is and this pages is about me and you and those who enjoy the show so... feed em grits.
I am so on a bend right now because I am so over people who lecture me about being nice and then are critical or fail at routine politeness. Im like hello, things like saying thank you and not mentioning ever single time you screw something up, goes towards that whole being a nice person thing, not just not saying the first derisive thing that comes to mind. Just because my mind is conditioned to be trite.
Anyway, enough about work.
We switched bedrooms with denise. She was sleeping on the sofa. I dont remember if i told you that or not.
Something about sleeping in the bed where she used to sleep with kenny. Made her depressed. Cant imagine. jj/k
so now we have time master suite complete with king size bed. I am so going to be spoilt.

love you.

I remembered I was supposed to blog about my hangover!

2009-01-01T15:39:00.002-05:00

So, how drunk could I have been...? I mean, I'm not even hungover -- what a waste, ha ha.

I don't know. It was a strange night. I mean, strange. Weird mix of people who didn't know each other.

I think part of the reason that I don't blog anymore is because all of the bitchy things that we say to each other is in private when we're just talking. But if we're saying bitchy things on the internet -- well, then we're just bitches.

And if we're not saying bitchy things -- then WHAT are we blogging about?! Julia says the blogs need themes. This is when she was on her "let's get a blog together" roll -- but, maybe she's right? Maybe we need a theme for our blog.

Oh and anyway -- I haven't read The Tipping Point so I couldn't have recommended The Outliers either. I talked about this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/cool/ <-- which I can't get the hyperlink for, but it was that merchants of cool thing that you said you already saw.

I do have to say though that your interest in sociology has renewed my own interest and I'm actually excited to start my Cultural Anthropology class in the Spring. Even if it is a 100 level class. ;-)

Rebecca and her husband Keith joined in with Tom and John and gave Scott a renewed WOW interest. I should have lots more time to blog now...

love ya!

Its that time of year again...

2008-12-31T11:40:00.003-05:00

okay so im gonna post. Today is the last day of 2008. I can't remember for sure but I feel like on the last day of 2007 we were ringin in the new year at your house and I am sad because I am fairly certain we would be there today if we were not 1000 miles away.

New Years Resolution of the Krafts: Become more socially aware. We are going to pick one book by an author from either the Colbert Report or The Daily Show each month, and read it. I remember you said Scott didnt like the Tipping Point but did like Outliers. I meant to get deeper into that discussion but never did. I dont know that I necessarily agree with the Tipping Point but there were several things that I got to thinking about while reading it. Thats more why I like it than anything else. Blues Clues over Sesame Street. Broken Window Theory and its applications in other circles. Internal responsibility over social (stimuli)reponsibilty. These are things I have been very interested in recently. The other book I got at B&N was, as I told you, why our generation is really the first who "can be anything they want" an chooses to be nothing at all. And it cant be as simple as because we dont have to work for anything. I mean that has part and parcle im sure but its got to be deeper. Anyways.

We have mice. Well, perhaps had. I caught two of them this morning. I was so stoked. I took them down the road and let them out of the coffee can where I had put them to take them out of the house (ryan and neither one could bring ourselves to by killing traps) and one of them charged me. It was the funniest thing. This little mouse, no bigger than a tree frog, and he was gonna show me. So cute. They dont bother me if you can tell. Only spiders. Well i dont care for roaches either.
Anyways.

Chapter two of Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck creates a Sims of himself to discover the deeper meaning of life. Deeper into the project and line one of the chapter:
I am not a benevolent God. I am watching myself writhe in a puddle of my own urine, and i offer no response. I have not eaten or slept for days. I am the master, I am the puppet. i am not the type of person who still plays video games.

I love this book.

Frustration

2008-10-22T21:33:00.003-04:00

We just got the brochure for Ryans company's healthcare plan. The deductible is $1500 per person. They dont even pay prescriptions until you meet the deductible. Then its $3000 for the family. So were like since theres two of us does that mean we have to meet $3000 before they will pay for Rx's?!?!

My migraine Rx's alone are $400.00 each.

So we pay $100.00+ a month for insurance then $3000.00 out of pocket before they will cover anything and then they only cover 80%?!

I think im gonna go drown myself in the tub.

I made this for you. Its a word picture of your blog.

2008-10-08T22:07:00.000-04:00

    title="Wordle: Heather Lee">    src="http://wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/238212/Heather_Lee"
    style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Dieting Dilemmas

2008-10-08T21:33:00.003-04:00

Well not really dilemmas but it prefilled so...

Years ago when i was working at USAA I did the six week body make over with my desk mate. It works really well, but you have to eat every three hours and it involves quite a bit of cooking as you have to eat a protein (chicken, fish, shrimp or egg whites) and green vegetable (not legume) of a certain quantity at each of those intervals. You can have oatmeal or rice with breakfast but no salt, sugar, fat or any other carb.
You can have all the mustard, vinegar or spices you like, but olive oil, ketchup etc.

So, working at CVS, I cant just stop and eat whenever, and I dont spend that much time prepairing that much food. So I have been doing this:

Breakfast:
1/2 c steelcut oats (homecooked, not instant) with golden raisins, 1 tsp honey, 1 tsp peanut butter
3 egg whites w/ basil, garlic salt, etc.
1 cup coffee w/ splenda and creamer.

lunch:
Salad - as much as I care to eat
Romaine
carrotts, zucchini, radishes, peppers, onions
1 can tuna (water packed)
2 tblsp olive oil, 3 tblsp salad vinegar
one diet coke

snack:
snack pack carrots
sugar snap peas
bottled water

dinner:

boiled chicken
steamed veggies
tossed w/ olive oil (1-2 tblsp) and spices

or

more salad
and 1 cup of egg drop soup
(chicken broth and 1 egg white)

bottled water
glass wine (optional) or two!

So this is the third day of my second week.
Its kinda stringent, and im doing pretty well. The diet is optional on Sat and Sunday.
I will say that what I did eat this weekend made my stomach feel bad. And I only ate half my hamburger and was full.
Today they ordered papa johns for lunch in the pharmacy and that was really hard. I was starving too but I withstood.

I dont know what that would be on Fat Church points because I am not fluent in conversion. Maybe if you get a minute you can total it for me.
But really since you were getting back on the wagon I thought I might share my current plan of attack.

Hot New T-Shirts...

2008-10-05T08:53:00.002-04:00

TINA: Found this...funnily enough on the theology blog I read. And people say christians dont have a sense of humor.

http://site.despair.com/despairwear/

What the...

2008-10-02T08:54:00.002-04:00

My computer is ringing...
Not my phone, my computer. It started this morning and I thought it was my alarm clock so I just kinda shook it off and got in the shower.
But now, as I sit here reading my blogs and playing with my facebook, the ringing is most definitely coming from my computer speakers.
There are no programs running other than my web browser. So to put a bandaid on a bleeding artery, i plugged in my headphones.
AND THE DAMN THINGS ARE STILL RINGING!
Like once a minute.
What the ...?

Confession...

2008-10-01T20:27:00.004-04:00

Tina: I called Michael.

There it is...its out.

Notice I didnt say I talked to Michael because I didnt. He didnt call me back. Which is kind of a good thing. Do you want to hear the whole story?

Who am I kidding of course you do. Are you done yelling yet?

So I saw this thing on TV a couple weeks ago that distinctly reminded me of him. And it wasn't just thinking it was like something flipped a switch and i couldnt stop. I would have dreams. I could feel him and smell him. And it was driving me nuts because I didnt want to. I didnt want to have these thoughts and feelings about anybody else. I was sick because I didnt want to have memories about anybody but Ryan. And i thought it might go away but after almost three weeks it still wouldnt. So I decided what I needed was closure.

I didnt tell anyone. No one was going to tell me that talking to him was a good idea. I just wanted to remember why i hated him as much as I cared. That he wasnt this sexual demigod only, which was all I could currently think about, he was this narcissitic man who used my naivete to feel better about his failing marriage. I had to grasp that he was human and flawed again. And I wanted to tell him that even though I wanted him at the time, I hated him for imbedding in my psyche. So I called him. And I left a message on his work voicemail.

And he didnt call. But it turns out, I didnt need him to. I only needed him not to be taboo. Because it all went away.

And now you know.

Well you and anyone else who reads our blog.

I request the month and however many days that it took you to finally post to respond to this.

Sheesh.

I mean, what am I going to say that you don't already know I'm going to say?! Oy.

Oy.

All I've got is oy.

I mean, I guess the question is -- is it really about Michael? (Ick, I hope not -- sorry -- but then I hope so too.) >> Where ARE you?

Tina, paging Tina...

2008-09-11T21:46:00.002-04:00

I've got an offer to co-author a blog with Julia -- are you taking off or what?

Because I am one hot commodity right now... :)

Thank you Tina -- I'd kill a dragon for YOU!

2008-09-05T23:17:00.003-04:00

Tina you have no idea how much happiness you have brought me bringing me the sad, melodramatic songs of my youth.

If you would only read those vampire books, then you would understand what I say that I wish we were werewolves and you see inside my head.

I just replayed Troy. I don't know that if it will ever resonate for you the way that it did for me and my friends in high school. And still today, only because of those memories, I suppose. But, even some of my more grown up memories of forbidden moments, well...

You should have left the light on.

And now that I can look at the song from an older perspective... I just looked up her bio on Wiki, so she was 21 when that song was written.

In high school, Miss Pleasants used to make us write fifteen minute essays for English. She gave us a topic and we had to run on as much as we could in those fifteen minutes. I remember once I dissected How Beautiful by the Cure. I suppose because those words were on my mind for whatever reason. But, really, if there was ever a melodramatic theme to my high school existence, it was definitely Troy.

You see, Troy is the at first whistful then raging keen of a woman who has had a taste of a forbidden love. Even though she knew that she shouldn't have it. Even though she tried to prevent it. (I interpret it this way, anyway.) Well, maybe not tried to prevent it, but at least didn't think she would be in a position for it happen.

And she's very angry. But I think she doesn't know if she is angry at him or herself. I mean, sure -- he should have left the light on, but she could have turned it on, right?

I'm so obsessed, I'm playing it again while I write this.... It gets a hold on me when I hear it again. It snakes in my head and I just want to hear it over and over again.

I think it's like this. They were alone, she put the moves on him. He wasn't supposed to know that she had these feelings. He claimed to share the feelings, but really didn't. He just used her. Or did he? That's the problem.

She doesn't know.

But the Phoenix references are obviously that he badly burned her but she's like fuck you -- I'm going to get SO over you!

She doesn't.

Or she wouldn't have written the song.

After all, you don't just forget someone that you would have killed a dragon for, do you?

Anyways, I realize now that Troy was one of my litmus tests. All of my closest friends loved this song. It was like they had to rage along with the crappy tape deck version of the song in order to be allowed in.

Don't worry. I don't have the same test now. You can not like the song and we'll still be okay.

But, it definitely helps.

Happiness

2008-09-04T21:12:00.003-04:00

Heather says:

I hope you understand that I felt more comfortable responding over here, on the more heathen side of things. I feel weird posting on your other blog. Like I'm going to make it burst into flames with my heathen-ness or something.

No, that's not true. It's really that while I do not share you and your friends' religious views, I try not to be overly offensive or out of line. Your beliefs are your beliefs, so....

But -- as Carrie would say -- I guess I can't help but wonder how you reconcile these beliefs with your heathen relationships. You purposefully pull people, like me and Ryan, into your lives and give us priority. Knowing that this priority will give you much conflict in your belief system. Do you enjoy the struggle? The angst that is the quarter life crisis??

And when you make the statement that the price you pay for a happy home is me -- I can't understand this. You are interchanging the words husband and home. Where goes your husband that is your home. But to the average reader, home means something different. It is a place where you can relax and be yourself and let your hair down.

And screw that noise about messy kitchens -- when a woman's house is messy it's a sign that she's having a LIFE.

You're missing something. You could take the lessons, you could do many things. What are you afraid of? It's not a messy kitchen.

Tina, you are not even 30 yet. You're not dead. There is room in your life for you AND Ryan to be happy, but you both have to be willing to make compromises. And you have to be honest with yourself about what you're afraid of and what you really want. Why ARE you married to and friends with these heathen people? Why are you so willing to sacrifice your own contentment and satisfaction and just lay down?

This is what pumps me up -- I'm sure you have heard it...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.

Anyways, I love you girl. You're going to figure this out, even Kenfricktuckiana. You'll find your way. Again, you're not even 30 yet -- you have a few years to figure it out. And if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, well you weren't meant to figure it out anyways. :)

Reliving the songs of my youth...

2008-08-31T22:29:00.005-04:00

Heather says:

Tina has been trying to hook us up with a play list for our site. It's supposed to be made up from a cd that I made her -- that she LOST -- of songs I think "she should know." Well, I'm really not a music afficianado. I just have the songs from my youth, mostly... Some of those, I don't think I would have have said she should KNOW, but as I try to recreate mixed tapes of my youth, here are some songs and what not that were staples. Julia is a regular reader and I guarantee she will help with a comment or two of either songs that I forced her to listen to OR songs that she mixed taped me that I remembered liking. After all, she is how I even knew who the Beautiful South were and really Sail this Ship Alone and Love Song to Nobody don't even compare to each other, much less to 36B.

And while I could never regularly listen to the songs of my younger years that I found "important" because they are so fucking depressing, these are still some of my favorite songs of all time. From then until I can last remember paying attention to music before just listening to NPR, in no particular order to be edited from time to time...

Troy Sinead O'Connor... I'll remember it Dublin in a rainstorm
... But also Just like you said it would B, I want your (hands on me), I am Stretched on your grave (note: I will never forget the beat of that song once I hear the title... ), and again... Most of the album I Do Not Want what I haven't got is primo stuff -- just cuts a hole in your gut thinkign about the teen angst that it riles up
How Beautiful You Are the Cure ... actually lots of Cure songs, but mostly more obscure ones like Love Cats, Why Can't I Be You?, Closer (the riff will ALWAYS make me think of that Sam Montage video), 10:15 on a Saturday night (drip, drip, drip...)

White Rabbit Jefferson Airplane

Vincent Don McClean... you know him because of american pie, but Vincent is the reason that Katrina and I are friends

book of Love don't know who but true cheese and just fabulous
Sea of Love.. the Robert Plant version, not the Honey Drippers
so many Smiths songs... some of my favorites are Stop Me if You think you've heard this one before, last night I dreamt that somebody loved me, unhappy birthday, paint a vulgar picture (which is very long, but you forgive it because they use words like sycophantic and who talks that??); "panic" has other lines often quotes, as well as sheila take a bow... actually, now that I look at the playlist from louder than bombs I love every single one in its own way

lots of enya songs... I used to be a HUGE fan... but only of the Watermark album I could just never get into the rest Evening Falls was frequently included on mix tapes as a segue as well as On Your Shore. ESPECIALLY, if i had a crush on you. ::: swooning::: THAT song is like the James Garner/whatsherface part of The Notebook what it does to me. Has always made me believe in forever

Indigo Girls... especially their version of Romeo & Juliet and then the song they're most known for Galileo but the song they are most known for on my road trips is Moment of Forgiveness

Another Katrina song and I am too tired/drunk to remember the title/artist but the gist of the title is that "it feels so good, feeling good again" -- that song has gotten me through a lot of hard times

In fact, on the mixed cd she copied for me the other song following it is "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins and that helps too

Also, don't know the artist but Build Me Up, Buttercup or whatever that is called -- no matter how bad a mood I am in, I can usually get out of it with that song

Also, Journey, Don't Stop Believing
ABBA Dancing Queen, Money, Money, Money, Fernando, Thank You for the Music, Does Your Mother Know?
Bee Gees Staying Alive, How Deep is your love?

If I can't have you off of the Saturday Night Fever album

Pink - Just Like a Pill, Get this Party Started, Family Portrait

Billy Joel... Oy, where to start? Downeaster Alexis, Innocent Man, We didn't start the fire, And so it goes...

No Doubt... Bathwater, Ex-Girlfriend, Spiderwebs, Just a Girl

the song from our wedding Forever... "not talking about a year, no not three or four...."

Van Morrison... Moon Dance, of course, but OUR song is Someone Like You

Anyways. Tina OUR song is always going to be Since You've Been Gone... Ironic, but there you go.

Until I'm sober and interested enough to add more...

Tina says: This is what I am doing until I am BORED enough to do more! LOL

2008-08-28T19:05:00.003-04:00

So where is this great post about Karen?

Heather says:

Here's part of it. Monday night they came over and we were having some wine. And they got into over something. Something about cooking.

Steve drunkenly said that maybe she should take of dinner for the rest of the week if she felt that way. (Whatever that way was, fuzzy memory -- surprise!) And she got very offended and she said I don't like it when you talk to me like that and that's very upsetting. And he said well, I'm just saying that maybe you should take care of it. And she got very huffy and said (and I wrote this part down so I would be sure to remember it) -- don't threaten me with having to cook! I'll show you, I just won't eat!

And the thing is... I think she would do it.

I'm sure it was funnier at the time but just to hear the words "don't threaten me" associated with cooking dinner. I almost peed my pants. I mean, I don't feel threatened when I have to make dinner -- I know the phone number to Papa John's! :)

Dieting Dilemnas

2008-08-26T19:55:00.007-04:00

Tina says:

So as you know, ten year reunion is in November. This has got me seriously thinking about dieting. I feel heavier than usual and I have been carrying consistently an extra 5-7 lbs. since I gained back the weight I lost when I was on the daily migraine stuff and couldnt eat anything.

This is my problem. As soon I think about seriously dieting/exercising, whatever, I hear Ryan in my head asking me what the hell I care what those people think. Which, yes, this is a good point, and generally, I'm not vain but something about those people and high school makes me want to look good.

I didnt have any high school trauma, I dont have anything to prove mind you, I just want to look good.

So here is my problem. Not only does my husband, whom I love and adore and have no doubts about the verity and surety of his returning my feelings, not think I should care what those people think, he doesnt care what I look like. He married me for my mind and for who I am and who we are to each other and yada yada and sure he doesnt want me to get fat, but make up, no make up, skirt, heels, sweats makes no difference. And that bothers me. REALLY BOTHERS ME.

My question is should it? I mean gift horse right? In a way its safe knowing that he looks at pretty girls and thinks, "yeah but shes probably a moron" and thus doesnt really look look because he's not really interested.

But when weve sat around for three says in our pajamas and I finally get dressed and do my hair and my face and smell good and walk through the room looking for the TADA! and its not there, I cant help but feel like my horse has at hitch in its giddy-up.

Heather says:

You enjoy being a girl, as the song goes. I realize that you have this thing where Ryan is the center of the universe, walks on water, yadda yadda yadda... BUT, you are your own person. You were your own person before you met him. And at the end of the day, YOU like dressing up and not carrying around an extra 5-7 pounds. So, don't do it for him -- do it for you. You be the voice in your head.

And I'm not intending this as any slam against Ryan, so don't misunderstand. It's just that you have to have something for you. Great, he admires you for your brain -- but part of that brain is pre-occupied with shoes and how your hair would look cute if it were a certain way. We are girlie girls. And maybe he doesn't care about that stuff, but there was definitely a certain once upon a time when there a certain girl in a certain pair of boots that really had him going. So, whatever -- he doesn't care now, but it's in there.

You want to look good. And you know you can. Maybe you don't have anything to prove to anyone -- maybe it's just to yourself.

And why don't you ask him to make comments when you finally get out of your pajamas after (ew) 3 days?
Enter Tina who counters: Not the same P.J.s Ive showered in between!
You know he's not going to make the comments voluntarily, but if you have the "honey, it's really important to me when you..." And then reinforce that, you will get what you want. He loves you, he wants to make you happy. And you're definitely low-maintenance (I'm comparing to myself) -- I mean, it's not an ever moving target it's just "Must remember to tell wife she looks purty today."

BTW, I don't think that chocolate cake is a good step on your plan... :)

Tina says: Oh but I havent started yet!

2008-08-19T21:55:00.006-04:00

Tina -- I really hate this lay-out. Can you find something more us? I'll work on it <--- what do you think about this? We can change font colors but the red... ask you can see if you scroll down is terrible so I had to change it at least where it could be seen.

I'm still marinating about your geese...

Facebook

2008-08-17T10:05:00.004-04:00

So, the other day Julia asked me why Scott joined Facebook. As usual, his response was just to piss Heather off.

Here's the thing that bothered me though about the mini-conversation that evolved from this. He says that it's about people who haven't seen or talked to or cared about one another in however many years and yet now we're suddenly interested in each other's lives.

Well, I think that's just mean-spirited but also incorrect. I think that for people who are a little older, Facebook is the opportunity to re-connect with people that you lost contact with. Not because you stopped caring about the person all together, but your life and their life went on different paths.

They went to college and I threw my life down the toilet by tying myself to ding dong. It was what it was. Maybe if I had gone to college, I would have stayed in touch and had a grown-up job like they do and we would have had things in common. But, now we don't have things in common but yet...

I don't know. I get excited when I hear from people from back in the day. No, they haven't been burning through their black books trying to find me either, but neither have I. I still want to know what happened to them and how they are doing and what their lives are like now. It's cool. Are we going to become friends again? Probably not, but more than we were before we had Facebook. Is FB a silly, glittery thing with flair and electronic drinks and stalking techniques -- heck yeah. But let's not undermine the reconnections by saying that it's about people previously not caring and now suddenly they do. That's just not right.

So I have thought about what you have said and they conclusions I have come to are these:

People on facebook for me atleast fall into one of the following categories:

Friends or people I still talk to

People who I used to hang out with and because of this past connection we have agreed to be
mutual current voyeurs. These are people whom if I ran into them at Target I might stop and talk to for 10 minutes or so... perhaps even go get coffee. If they wanted to be more than friends, I might try to get more involved.

People who I wish I had been closer with. Its a way of not letting go.

People who I dont really like or have any vested interest in, but seeing things going on in their lives and occasionally commenting or having sparring conversations keeps you connected. The world is small. If you ever, move to where they are, need a new job, you might need to know someone... This is generally termed networking. Laura never loses touch of anyone. I admire that about her. She has this vast network of "friends" who actually know very little about her but because she keeps in touch and lets them tell her about themselves she is well connected. Its very smart. Its self serving perhaps, but smart none the less.

Diads, Triads, and... Quad-ads oh my!

2008-08-09T17:42:00.007-04:00

So, we're planning a girl's weekend. And I really figured out my "issue" with Jen and wanted to share with you. I never knew there was an issue. But now that you mention it, I'm not really surprised.

Over our blog on the internet. SUPER private! Do you think that she reads this? Does she know you have an issue? By blogging about it arent you kinda hoping that she or one of the others finds out and confronts you and you have to yell, cry, kiss and make up about it?

Well, I don't think they know about this. They never even read my OTHER blog which they would have to know in order to know about this one. Besides, they know -- it's been said.

It's like this... In social groups, there are diads and triads and I found out that anything larger than 3 is just called a group. In the triad that is my relationship with Holly and Katrina, I am the connecting friend. I'm Carrie. Holly and Katrina are friends but through me. Whereas in any of the interactions that involve Jennifer, I'm on the outskirts. <--- Hello how do I feel when Holly and Katrina are both around! My narcissism can't really handle this. Lucky for me none of my friends really like each other all that much.

(Narcissism -- another great blog topic. I'm really getting concerned that I have this. Not in a kidding "it's all about me" way but in a -- I really think it's all about me!) <---- Is anyone not? Well that descends into needing to separate narcissism and selfishness... Coming Soon perhaps?

So, it's a hard adjustment. Jennifer really ignites my insecurities in a way that no one else ever has. I always feel like she's more fun, (but not as whistical) more intelligent (but not as witty) (that whole Ph.D. thing doesn't help) and then there's the skinny thing. (she lacks your great ASSets) The other girls have always been thin and when the three of them get together there is a fashion show aspect that I can never participate in. Left out.

I don't know. I like Jennifer in diad situations, but when the others come in I get so mired in feeling left out that I have a hard time just relaxing. Unless there's too much drinking and that's just bad too.

It's not something can be fixed over night. I just had this epiphany that it's about the number of people in the group. I am comfortable with diads and triads, but the way the quad-ads can splinter off makes me dislike them. Too much room for coupling off. But every time I propose any kind of girl time, they always want to include Jennifer and I feel bad for not suggesting it in the first place and just want to get over myself and fix this issue. But, it makes me feel like such a bitch for having a need to have just women with minimal kids and husbands. Especially since I am now the only one left who can still easily be in that scenario.

Thoughts?

Umm... I could help you bury the body. I like this, but I DO like her, so no need.

Seriously though, its a legit issue. Who wants to have someone around who makes you feel insecure. And its worse because shes a great person and you really like her.

You have a couple of options:

Tell H & K why you dont always include her. It may make you a bitch, but you might really just be admitting it, not being less of. They know you and love you, they may understand and not even be offended. Tell them that they leave you out.

Tell Jenn how you feel. Sometimes humbling yourself to another person who you envy has a very therapeutic/cathartic effect. She will be honored that you made yourself vulnerable, and be sensitive to your plight.

Make a habit of excusing yourself when they do things that make you insecure. Go read or call Julia or me or someone else who will let you bitch about it until you feel better.

Learn to accept the dynamic as it is. Face the pain, master the pain, decide to conquer it.
The thing that drives me the most nuts about hanging out with the crew that I used to hang out with in high school is that once it reaches a certain point, the planned activity is over or certain members join, I dont get to steer. Not just that, but avoiding the rocks is not even something that can be considered. So ... I jump ship. As often as I am bored or uncomfortable. It makes me unpopular, but I have have learned that I either live with the fact that I can hang with them and do what they want or I can not and do what I want.

Hide and suck your thumb.
I like this option! Seriously, though... This has been talked about. But then, time goes by and we don't have a quartet situation and I don't have to think about it. And it just gets more awkward as time goes by because of the childless whore aspect. But, that is the choice I have made and can't change it and I need to stop feeling like I have to apologize for it, huh?<---- Is that really the issue? That you are no propigating the species and therefore not an active member of society? Are you sure its not in your head? If its not, f*ck her.

Anyone else have any suggestions?

Follow Your Own F'ing Rules

2008-08-05T17:22:00.005-04:00

Tiiiiina, you're supposed to be posting in green or something. Black is confusing to me. WHEN DID I NOT POST IN GREEN? Oh you want THIS GREEN instead. I can do that. I just liked the darker one better.

Well, unless the person who originally sets the post posts in regular and the other add-on is your color but then how will the uniformed know?

I don't know. We didn't really work out the rules. Should we do it now in a public format??

First, I like the idea of using italics for whining.

Second, specifically for Sara -- the race card tinted slant of my comment to your comment was really a dig at Tina at your expense. All of her white sheets also have hoods on them, it's weird.

Third, I'm eating popcorn which I now think of you eating as a breakfast choice whenever I eat. I need to end that. What are my options?

Fourth, I may need to periodically reprofess my abundant devotion to Jon Stewart and say that I think he is on my celebrity list above Tom Welling even.

But those weren't rules.

I'm just posting because I don't want to go to my f'ing paper.

Feedback

2008-08-05T12:54:00.000-04:00

A comment. We got a comment. You like us. You really like us!

Relative Oppression

2008-08-04T09:35:00.009-04:00

So now that we have started this blog, the pressure to perform is immense. And I have performance anxiety. Me too, and I've been so busy procrastinating on school stuff that it's taking up my whole life...
However the wedding this weekend I feel provided excellent commentary fodder.

Pantyhose: Is it still necessary to wear them to an evening wedding?

I didn't know that it was still necessary to wear pantyhose. I am really put out by the fact that they still exist, to be honest. I mean, how are people ever going to realize that cellulite is a fact of life if we keep putting it back in the casing...?

I was under the impression that if it was an informal wedding in the summer it was okay to forgo them. This was cross referenced by my own moral compass when I put my thumb through mine fifteen minutes before it was time to leave for my cousin's wedding Saturday. My mother I think, didnt think so. Of course, all the girls my age or younger werent wearing hose. But shame on me for checking etiquette by those of my generation or younger.

You know, its just a shame that people dont even pay attention anymore. I know that since the hippies and the feminists etiquette has been the way of the oppressed, but I really feel like if we followed the spirit of etiquette, which is behave in such a manner as to make a all people feel the most comfortable at all times, then this one girl wouldnt have showed up in a skin tight electric blue dress clearly looking hotter than the blushing but ample bride.

But, how did it turn out besides the chick in the electric blue dress? WERE people your age wearing hose? I dont remember seeing anyone else my age. My cousin, closest to my age, was wearing a suit. What about my age, etc? Actually come to think of it, everyone older than me, with the exception of my mother, was wearing pant suits. What is the hose cut off??

Further, I don't think it's right to equate wearing hose with etiquette. I mean, your statement is that the "spirit of etiquette, which is behave in such a manner as to make a all people feel the most comfortable at all times." How does that relate to wearing pantyhose? You're going to be uncomfortable (I really dont think self comfort is actually supposed to be considered. Its actually kinda antithetical to the whole idea) at the expense of everyone being uncomfortable by your white legs? I mean, why are they uncomfortable about your legs? Im sure the whiteness of your legs is actually not what pantyhose is about, its about propriety. Besides, if you are embracing YOUR idea of etiquette, then you are wearing an appropriate length dress and then it won't much matter. And thats what I am saying, since it is not longer social code that only loose women dont wear hose, then it shouldnt matter that I dont wear hose because bare legs dont scream look at me, like a too short dress or a metallic one might.

My thing with eitquette is that no one really knows what the rules are and they are often archaic (Sure the old rules might be archaic, but we must learn them to forge new ones as we study ancient governments to strengthen our own) and how can everyone be comfortable with rules outside of their usual daily procedures? And again I reiterate, there need to be rules for all to follow for the comfort of the general populous because individual comfort is so varied. I mean take lawn care just as an example. Why can't everyone just be comfortable with how each person cares or doesnt for there own lawn? I mean why should neighborhoods enforce lawn heights and why does everyone scowl at the guy who does no landscaping? Because one mans dandelions...

Celebrity "Fantasy" List

2008-07-31T21:52:00.003-04:00

So, there was once this episode of Entourage where Vinnie slept with this chick was getting married in a week or less. He did not know this until a wild afternoon of sex. She said it was no big deal because she and her fiance have a celebrity "pass" list where if either one of them ever had the opportunity to have sex with this particular celebrity then they got a free pass.

Scott and I are having this discussion because Smallville is coming on. So, I -- of course -- put Tom Welling on my list because, well, he's Tom Welling and roooowwwwr. Scott decides that he would like the option of deciding who his pass is AFTER the event occurs. Even though this whole thing is ridiculously hypothetical, I still say -- you have to name a name, otherwise it's just cheating.

Feedback?

I agree completely. There must be a well established list. The list can be updated or changed, but it has to be public knowledge who is on the list. And then the person has be on the list. You can't just go around wily-nily. Otherwise, whats the point of the list if you could put anyones name on it after the fact. And if that was the case, who decides who qualifies for the list? Commercial actresses? Theater actresses? Models? Hand Models? I mean, technically, strippers can be considered actresses. There are just to many grey areas.

On reflection, I dont know that I have a list. Colin Farrell is pretty yummy. And of course I will always love Josh. But thats probably about all of it.

Huh? What?

2008-07-30T21:25:00.003-04:00

So, I have been having another one of those hard hearing days. I feel like I'm underwater and things just aren't clear. They do all kinds of things underwater now, basket weaving, photography, polo etc.

I am hoping it's sleep deprivation and stress but it's a scary glimpse into my future.

Will my drunk phone calls become drunk texts? Will this then paralyze my thumbs? Are you having thumb issues?

And closed captioning is annoying. I can't watch and read -- I can't even chew gum and read. Do they make large print closed captioning?

Sometimes I feel like I'm staring down a backwards telescope of my life and all the things I want to do, I should have done them because they're not going to be possible. Get going.

And when I feel this way, I miss my friend who pretends she is going to learn sign language and that being deaf isn't the end of an extrovert's life...I will learn sign language. Im not pretending. I love you. And thats all.

that's all.

Definitions...

2008-07-29T11:08:00.003-04:00

Well then I suppose I shall be green. I like green. Not that I am in support of earth friendliness. Not that I am against. The Mayans believe the Earth will die in 2012. Where will all our conservation leave us then?

See, I feel this way about quitting smoking and drinking and eating healthy, etc. Sure, I could do all that (it's my imagination), but if I'm going to die anyways -- who cares? Did I ever tell you about the time that Scott said they were testing some project that was trying to reinvent the Big Bang and "just thought I'd let you know because if they actually do it then the world is going to end in 2 weeks..."? I felt like, if you had known that why did you let me pay the mortgage on time?

Digression... Isn't the point of our blog digression?

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.
- Honore de Balzac

I enjoyed this quote this morning. I thought of you and all of our better house entertainment trends and givers and takers synergistic discussions. The funny thing is, we work so well because we are each good at our part. Each superior, but at our own way. It's funny how mankind is so arrogant. Its funny how we perhaps are superior, but yet we arent.

Ryan and I were discussing (something to do with pop culture and science and I said well it depends on whether you are young earth or old earth creationist) that people dont always mean what they say. Or know what they say means. Take for example the word superior.
It has at least 13 definitions by my count on dictionary.com.
Having to do with moral compass, military rank, age, location on the body etc.
There is an entire branch of philosophy dedicated to the defining of words and there meanings. How could there not be with well I was going to say the number of words that Eskimos have for snow and when I tried to find out how many words Eskimos have for snow I found this:

Wiki: It is a popular urban legend that the Inuit or Eskimo have an unusually large number of words for snow. The legend has snowballed from "dozens" to "hundreds" to "thousands" of words for snow.

In reality, the number of words depends on the definitions of Eskimo (there are a number of languages) and snow, and on the method of counting numbers of words in languages that have quite different grammatical structures from English.

Which of course just proves my point. Which by this point in time, I have forgotten except for this. You may think what you think, but remember what you think may not infact be what you think. You may say what you mean, but what you have said may not infact be what you meant.

And you can be superior and inferior at the same time, so don't let any of us get a big head about it.

And speaking of superior, in fact is IN FACT two different words. Grrrr.

Heather, I think I started off this talking to you, and of course by the end am disseminating cake to the populous.

So, it's your fault the populous is fat? All this time I was blaming McDonald's. (Or is this some reference I'm missing again?)

What's this all about?

2008-07-26T21:50:00.002-04:00

I said to Tina, we should do a joint blog thing. Because I've always wanted to do that with someone. But, we don't really know how it will work or what the deal is. So, here's the beginning.

Here are some thoughts:

We will probably have to talk about ourselves in the third person. But, given that we are both Princesses in one way or another, that may not be a bad thing. Perhaps we can distinguish by color who is who. If so, I pick RED because I always picke RED!

So, maybe we'll just talk about stuff that we've been thinking about and then the other person can comment in their assigned color. Maybe we'll try to get random questions to discuss. Who knows?

I guess we should explain that we're not spelling idiots, that we know it's waxing whimsical. Whistical is not a real word. But one day, as our joint time in Virginia was waning, I was talking about something and Tina said "what's wrong? You sound... whistical." Then, admitted she wasn't sure if she wasn't sure she meant whimsical or wistful and combined the two.

Wistful: –adjective
1.characterized by melancholy; longing; yearning.
2.pensive, esp. in a melancholy way.

Whimsical: -- adjective
1. given to whimsy or fanciful notions; capricious: a pixyish, whimsical fellow.
2. of the nature of or proceeding from whimsy, as thoughts or actions
3. erratic; unpredictable

I think this is a perfect description of many of the random , rambling conversations we have had through the time of our friendship and I can't wait for you to join in our discussions.